So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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