glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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