Jerry, you need to find god
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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