took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
