she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I just made out with a guy for $7.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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