Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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