just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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