i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
God, I missed his penis.
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