i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
