Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
we're so committed to being not committed
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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