Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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