I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
