This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
