He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize