I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
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