i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
