I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
