I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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