Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
