Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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