Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
