i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
