Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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