The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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