I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
