she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
