hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
