Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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