We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
