I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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