Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
