I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
