What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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