if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
