I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
