Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
