Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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