I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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