are you still at the devil's house?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
