that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
