just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
