Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
