Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We need to rekindle our bromance
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
