you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
