roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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