Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Everyone says I win the strip club
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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