I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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