They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
