dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
