No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
