he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
