you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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