If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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