He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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