Your face is a jimmy john
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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