mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
