I'm so fucking centered right now
i can't believe i had my finger in that
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
