I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
