i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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