I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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