i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
