new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
