I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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